Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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