he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
