Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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