Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
