I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You need a sexual gate keeper
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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