I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
