I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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