We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
