Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
