You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
