he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
