I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
