I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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