I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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