Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
