I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
