just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
