first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
