Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
