I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
