Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You are the jesus of drinking
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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