can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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