i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
