The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
