Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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