You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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