The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Someone shattered a urinal.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
