The maid of honor just puked.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
