I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
