the condom got lost in my hair
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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