no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
