What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
