Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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