I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
