We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
