I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
