sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
