Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
