god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
