I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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