Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
