I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
