Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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