Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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