I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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