When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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