Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
