if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
