rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
