Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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