highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
