I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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