FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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