I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Someone came in the potted fern
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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