I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
