I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we're making bets on your personal life
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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