just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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