my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
